Frankie Goes to Hollywood...Again

It’s been more than a decade since the release of what some consider to be the last great American film ever made: My Dog Skip. And, in that time, Hollywood has produced more than its fair share of clunky remakes and sequels. So, you can imagine my excitement when I was asked to review an advanced screening of the long-anticipated sequel to Skip, My Cat Burrp.

Like many a My Dog Skip fanboy, I had long fantasized about a sequel, but I worried that, because the original has become such a sacred part of the American film canon, a sequel might not live up to its predecessor—as is the rule in H-wood. It’s hard to understand now, but MDS really broke the mold upon its initial release—breathing new life into what had become a stale genre. Any sequel would not only have to fill those same paw-tracks, but create its own tracks as well.

But, rest assured, you can breathe easy knowing that the My + Pet + Petname franchise hasn’t been put to “sleep” yet—and, in fact, is still the exception to most films, past or present.

So, what exactly is it that makes My Cat Burrp so exceptional, you might ask? For one: the film brings back Tinsel-Town’s favorite baby-faced man-child, Frankie Muniz—well, formerly “Frankie Muniz”. The star now goes simply by Frank Myunez. That’s right. Our little Frankie—err…Frank—is all growed-up and with age comes a  new grown-up name. Or: at least, that’s how it would seem. Insiders report that Frank apparently changed his name after he sold the rights to his birthname to a deadbeat salvia-pusher in exchange for twenty-dollars worth of low-grade salvia. The star had apparently developed quite the habit. Whereas most former child stars become addicted to heavier drugs, the elfin star with a PG-13 image developed an appropriately PG-13 drug habit. But all that is behind Frank now as Burrp marks his official comeback to films.

And what a comeback it is. Instead of reprising his role as “the kid with the dog”, Frank plays the titular character: Burrp—a foul-mouthed tomcat who, in spite of his coarseness, manages to find a place in the hardest of hearts. That’s not to say it’s a family film. It most definitely is not. According to one of the Weinsteins, the producers of the movie, “something something pretentious about challenging audiences.” But Myunez’s characterization of Burrp has more than enough warmth to appeal to children in the same way that creepy uncles appeal to children because most of the creepy stuff they say goes way over the kids’ heads--and as long as they have a smile on their face it doesn't matter what comes out of their mouths. And, besides…kids are stupid.

The plot revolves around Burrp trying to mate with as many female cats he can before his owners have him neutered. So, sure, it’s high-concept. But turn your brain off and your bound for an entertaining ride as sleazy Burrp prowls the streets and big-city alleyways in search of a “little tail.” Most of Burrp’s attempt at getting “tail” end in rejection and Myunez (in all-too convincing cat make-up—kudos to the practical effects guys on this film) turning to the camera and deadpanning: “Ehh. I get no respect.”-- a clear homage to the late-great guy who used to say that. The gag does eventually wear thin, but by the thirteenth time he says it, you’re back on board and it’s hysterical again. 

I don’t want to give away too much, except to say that Burrp never gets laid and the movie ends with him getting his nuts chopped off. But the rest is pretty good, too. And you should definitely see it. Or: read the forthcoming novelization of the movie by Jonathan Safran Foer, who, taking a hint from Anthony Burgess, developed his own language of cat-speak to make the first-person narrative more authentic.

It’s worth mentioning here that the soundtrack was done by Jeff Mangum, who used field recordings of cats in heat and then auto-tuned that audio to different pitches to create weirdo cats-crying versions of the most obscure songs in the Neutral Milk Hotel catalog. Rarely does the soundtrack work—not just in the context of the film—but, generally speaking, as music. To be perfectly honest, at several moments (most of the film, actually) I was taken out of the action by the soundtrack. But I’m, like, such a Jeff Mangum fan that I sat through it, pretending it was brilliant. 

Actually, that pretty much sums up the whole movie for me: it’s a piece of shit, but I pretended to like it because I didn’t want to not look cool.

Obama, Where Art Thou?

One thing I heard growing up is that “books can open up new worlds.” That idea—or the way it was presented—always fascinated me. I seem to remember seeing a television commercial (oh, the irony) in which a kid opens up a book and from the pages comes a stampede of fantastical creatures a la Jumanji. While I never believed that would happen, I did wonder what books I needed to be reading in order to achieve that level of escape. Because, as an avid reader (and not to denigrate books—I do have a degree in books, after all), I have never been transported to any new world that I could not have seen in a movie—and probably with better vividness.

This post isn’t about knocking books. Books are great. They improve your memory and can help you communicate ideas. I love books. But, on a recent web-surfing adventure, I was reminded of that age-old promise--that books can portal you to sensory-overloading dimensions you never thought possible--and I thought: why are teachers still pushing books when the Internet does the opening-up-new-worlds thing so much better?

Case in point: I found a site called Conservapedia, which, I’ll admit, is far beyond anything I thought possible. And as someone who spends a good chunk of their day surfing the the darkest corners of the Internet, that's saying a lot. I guess I could see Conservapedia in a book—maybe something Kurt Vonnegut would have come up with—something so absurd and yet so possible. Something plucked straight from the bowels of socially-conscious satire it almost seems like a parody of itself. But for now: it exists solely on the Internet as an unintentionally Orwellian anthology of whacko conservative beliefs.

The site is the conservative answer to Wikipedia—which, objective as Wikipedia is, is apparently too “liberal” for the people who started Conservapedia. I don’t know how I got there—how many mindless clicks away from my e-mail or Reddit it took to land on something so ridiculous—but that’s the magic of the Internet: it transports you to worlds you—well…worlds you might have thought possible but certainly didn’t believe existed.

I clicked around on the site with my jaw securely dropped as I read popular conservative conjecture substituted and presented as fact. There's even a section devoted to great "conservative" movies, which I thought meant: anything directed by Clint Eastwood and that Obama movie that just came out. But, no. They claimed some of my favorites, such as "Ghostbusters" and the "Sandlot" as indisputable "conservative" movies--and great ones at that. And the funny thing is the they also have a "Debatable Whether Conservative or Not" section on this list--which means that, by omission, "Ghostbusters" and "the Sandlot" fall under the not-debatable-they-are-conservative-movies category.

I wondered if it was a joke. The litmus test was typing in Barrack Obama. The first three paragraphs comprised every conspiracy theory championed by Donald Trump. It said that Barrack Hussein Obama (emphasis on “Hussein”) was born in Kenya and that he was (and still is) the first Muslim President in U.S. History. There was also a part about his birth certificate—and I’m sure you can imagine what that said.

At this point, I was pretty sure Conservapedia was a joke—an Onion-type compendium of every popular right-wing conspiracy presented as objective truth. Every link I clicked on, I got exactly what I expected. Like asking the craziest of Republicans about any topic and getting the craziest of Republican responses. There’s no way it could be for real. But, just to make sure, I opened a new tab and checked Google. I typed in “is Conservapedia a joke?” I think I got to "is Conservapedia…” before auto-fill completed my question. The question had been addressed all over the Internet. And everywhere was the same answer: “No. Conservapedia is all too real.”

I’m not going to whine here and say that people have been brainwashed and that Conservapedia only continues to re-enforce that brainwashing. Because…I don’t care. The Internet is filled with far too much fringe conspiracy crap to combat or address it all. And the people who read Conservapedia and take it seriously already have their minds made up. There’s no telling them anything contrary to what they already believe.

So, instead, I’ll just leave the links here and let you (the non-existent fan of this blog) have a good laugh. 

Also, I should note that if you look at the FoxNews page on Conservapedia, you'll notice that it's not quite what you'd expect. Conservapedia doesn't seem to endorse or even support FoxNews. Instead, they (Fox) are part of the conspiracy against conservatives--despite promoting and being the original producers of every bit of misinformation on Conservapedia. Hopefully, this inner-rift expands into an entropic finale in which Bill O'Reilly eats himself live on the Factor, thus bringing to an end the age of sanctimonious self-righteousness. 

My fingers are crossed.

Humble Beginnings

I discovered a new subreddit the other day called r/cringe. For those of you unfamiliar with Reddit (hard to imagine anyone on the Internet being unfamiliar with Reddit...but let's pretend), it is an Internet link aggregate site—with different “subreddits” dedicated to different topics of interest.  The subreddits run the gambit from the very broad (politics, funny, wtf) to the very specific (dragons fucking cars). r/cringe is a subreddit dedicated to videos, pics and internet links that, as the name would suggest, make you cringe. 

It makes sense that a site like this exists, since so much of the Internet is stuff that makes people cringe. From “fail” videos to inflammatory political rants and TMZ-style gossip. r/cringe is like a very concentrated version of the Internet—the pure Columbian cocaine of Internet shame. 

I don’t think I need to go into why I, and many others, like watching people crash and burn or try to explain it away as some post-post-modern phenomenon whereby an entire generation of hipsters feels more content to sit in front of their computers and judge people who are actually going out and making mistakes—with the misfortune of being cell-phone photographed or taped--more often than not, unwittingly. Because, at this point, I think everyone’s sick of hearing about it. 

Instead, I will provide you with a few links to some cringe-gems I found on r/cringe.

The first series of videos were taken from a public access channel in Hudsonville, Michigan. The show is called “Hot Tracks”—a weekly (I think—little to no information exists on this show—besides the webpage which, like the show, looks like something a middle-schooler made in some abstract time between 1991 and 1998) show featuring two dudes talking about music. 

One of the guys might be autistic. He looks and acts like a socially-unaware math geek. In a lot of ways, he reminds me of the titular subject of the documentary Billy the Kid. Like the kid in that movie, this guy also has a rat-tail (in some episodes at least) and seems unaware of himself or…anything besides Pirates of the Caribbean and the Foo Fighters. 

His co-host is a pudgy little guy with slicked-back hair and a tendency to make about as much sense as Steve Brule when talking about his ostensible area of expertise: music. 

Speaking of Steve Brule, it does seem odd to me that shows like this can still exist. The show is current, despite appearances. But it exists in its own world—a world where Tim and Eric and the Pitchfork Era of Irony haven’t happened yet. 

The hosts take themselves and their very myopic perspective on music very seriously. From the few clips on Youtube, they seem to like only a few things: the Foo Fighters, Pirates of the Caribbean--the soundtrack and the movie (though only one of the hosts has actually seen the movie) and Steve Perry (who is a “legend” because of his “hip problems). Strange for a show about music that they don’t cover more music. But—in all fairness—some of the clips on Youtube may be from the same show. 

It’s refreshing to see someone using the public access aesthetic without—well...being aware that it’s become an aesthetic. There’s no irony to what these guys do. They say things that Tim and Eric would say and dress like characters from Tim and Eric, but they’re being 100% genuine. And for some reason, seeing something shitty that isn’t trying to be shitty is really satisfying. Don’t get me wrong: I love Tim and Eric. I love Check It Out with Dr. Steve Brule, but it’s nice to see or to be reminded that: Oh, yeah. That style of comedy or satire came from a real place. 

Anyway: here's a clip. 

I suggest going to the channel page and watching all the Hot Track videos, starting with the first one listed. Whoever runs the page has it set up so that they all play, one after the other. 

I’m kind of surprised they haven’t blown up yet—either by going viral (the views at the time of this writing are still in the triple digits) or by being discovered by someone at Adult Swim who wants to give them a show. I e-mailed the videos to a friend, who said, in so many words, that the videos could be an audition tape for a writing job on Tim and Eric. I think I might write them and tell them to release a DVD or ask about going to a live taping.

The second thing I found was this political ad from Tennessee. Again, running with the public access theme, this video looks like it was shot by a middle-schooler who stole the camera his school uses to shoot the morning announcements and who fancies himself a bumpkin James Cameron since he discovered the green screen.

I’m not sure what platform the guy in the ad is running on (“planting ethanol”?) but he was at least passionate enough to film this commercial and add in all those super-snazzy effects. 

Growing up and living in Indiana, I’ve met a lot of impassioned patriots like this fellow. While this guy’s politics are a little fuzzy and even fuzzier when he tries to explain them—he at least cares enough to shoot a political ad. Who knows if he’s even in the running. He strikes me as someone who might mistakenly believe that if you shoot a really “cool” political ad with a bunch of "awesome" effects and send it to the government (no address--the package is just marked “government), they’ll put you on the ballot.

This ad is funny, sure. But I hear people say things like this all the time—and they make about as much sense. Like I said…Indiana.

The last video I’m going to leave you with is one that struck a particular chord with me because it involves a failed stand-up comedy performance. I think a lot about doing stand-up but my biggest fear is exactly what happens in this video. Not only does this kid bomb (and bomb worse than I've ever seen any comedian bomb) he also gets heckled (and when I say heckled, I mean he could probably go to the cops because of some of the stuff the hecklers say). 

It probably doesn't help that, besides the hecklers (who seem to already know and hate him), there are, like, two people in the club and neither of them seem to want to be there. Granted, his routine is rough. But....wow, they could have at least given him some pity laughs. 

I wouldn't want to be in a stranded-in-the-desert situation with any of the people at this club. As I'm lying on the ground, sun-baked and begging for water, I can imagine them standing over me with vacant expressions, taking full swigs from their canteens. Rather than do the decent thing (fake-laugh and perpetuate this kid's delusions of becoming--not even a successful comedian--but someone who tells jokes that people laugh at), they just sit there in icy silence and stare at the spectacle of failure before them, like Michael Myers in the Halloween movies, cocking his head to the side with detached curiosity--"ahh, so this is what death looks like"--as his victims plead for their lives.

It's almost surreal--and a little creepy. Like something out of a David Lynch film. A comedy club where the comedians are desperate for laughs that the crowd never gives. 

If you liked these videos (or even if you didn't), I suggest checking out r/cringe. There are plenty more videos like these, plus other goodies: a video of Patrick Stewart trying and failing to publicly humiliate a fat comedian; a compilation of rap-covers by a very old and very white church choir; and plenty of failed stand-up and just about any other form of entertainment videos you can think of.