Pickens Picks on...Dunham???

Pictured: Spade "Grizzled-Dick" Pickens

In a strange turn of events, snow-folk septuagenarian Spade Pickens, of the Spade Pickens Quartet and the Spade Pickens Pickers, has decided to start a celebrity beef with hipster icon Lena Dunham, the creator of the HBO hit show “Girls.” After watching Sunday night’s Grammys from his tin-roofed shack in the Catskills, the crusty-eyed, rotten-toothed folkie tweeted, in four separate and embittered tweets: “I shelled out a pretty sheckel for this antenna, just so I could kind-of watch two or three snowy channels and all they do—they keep showing some fat chick with Crayola-marker drawings on her arm-flub. If that’s what the Grammys have come to stand for, you can keep ‘em.”

Pickens, of course, has never been nominated for a Grammy—nor has he technically sold any records, so it’s somewhat surprising that we’re tracking this story. But here at Breakfast Makes Perfect we like to give underground personalities, like Pickens, a voice—and Lord knows he could use it since his real voice sounds like a bullfrog bleating incoherently whilst running down Bill O’Reilly’s talking-points on the “Factor”. 

"Hey-oh!"

Since the incident, we called Pickens and asked for a comment. “You’ll have to speak up,” he said, “ this green-bing can don’t get good reception since all them power-lines went up back in aught-two.” After hours of painstakingly repeatedly-repeating the question, bringing in a crack-team of FBI wire-tappers to transcribe our question into a blend of folkie-jive and morse-code, which we thought Pickens might understand better, we finally wrestled this out of Pickens: “Y'know—something about big, doughy girls with big-doe eyes....You can almost taste their bad donut breath and bad political opinions.” We asked if this referred to Dunham, to which Pickens said: “Who?” and put down his tin-can phone to pick out a naked Satan-summoning banjo two-step.

After an hour of waiting patiently on the other end of the line, we heard the distinct noise of Pickens setting down his banjo and firing his shotgun into the sky and chanting: “America! America! Haha. God bless the U.S.A.” He then got back on the line and told us: “Sorry about that. Little thing I do when I get nervous. To answer your question: Yeah, I’ve seen the Girl’ show—caught it on tour last year when, ‘pon my insistence, we stayed at one of them motels with the booby-channels.

“I thought it was kind of boring, but being a snow-folkie, living in the Catskills, I’m used to boring—things move kind of slow up here. So, I stayed tuned, as they say, because I thought I might see some tits, this being an HBO show and HBO being a product of Satan.

“So, I’m watching it and I see the boobies, but it’s not like when I seen boobies before. These are the kind of boobies you don’t want to see—the kind of boobies make a man clean up his act and get to the church-house because he’s just seen something might make his dick stop working.

Dunham: "Look, mummy. I'm a real-life hobo. LOL!"

“I promptly turned the show off and wrote a song about it. The song is called--.” Here we hung up because we don’t care about Pickens as a musician so much as Pickens the-character-through-which-we-can-safely-voice-slightly-inflammatory-remarks about Lena Dunham, who, for the record, we think is probably kind-of cool in real life but there’s something about how she comes across on TV that really annoys us.

After our phone call with Pickens, we called Lena Dunham who told us to “fuck off, Breakfast!”