Monday, March 25, 2013

The Cosmo-Alternative: Sex-Tips For the Morally Perfect

We all know that, outside of flesh-spearing your opposite-sex partner (or getting flesh-speared by your opposite-sex partner) through a hole in a sheet, in pitch-black darkness, sex is a very bad thing. When children see sex on TV, they buy guns and shoot up schools and then brag about it to their friends on X-Box Live. When terrorists see any part of a woman other than her eyes, they get raging hate-boners and blow up New York City. We all know this. But, ever since New World  Obama took office (don't EVEN get me started on that guy....), sex has become an indelible part of pop-culture--and an inescapable one at that.

 Before Saddam Hussein Obama-Bin Laden, it was illegal to show actual human babies on TV--babies being too inextricably linked to sex in the minds of the American viewer. So, instead we used plastic preemie-dolls, as evidenced by this still from Bush 9/11 glory-days era sitcom, I Love Lucy.

See, before NO-bama-care, sex was something not even mommies and daddies talked about--they just gave each other meaningful winks at the dinner table when either one felt the urge to make another baby, at which point, they would round up and wrangle all their kids and set them in front of the TV, then go to the bedroom, where they would push their beds (the mommy bed and the daddy bed) together, thus transforming (a la Transformers) the two beds into a single, baby-making unit. Before this of course, they turned on Fox News (which is what most daddies need to get erections) and pumped away to the hate-jive of Bill O'Reilly, seductively running down a list of GOP-headquarters-approved talking points and buzz-words (nothing gets mommy's quim sopping quite like the phrase "the road to Greece").

But that all changed when, for reasons I can't explain, our country elected a half-black-muslim-atheist-satanic-socialist-Nazi as President. Suddenly, sex was everywhere. The things mommies and daddies and non-gays did behind closed doors and never talked about ever were suddenly being flippantly discussed on LGBT-produced shows like Will and Grace. You couldn't (and still can't to this day) turn on a TV without seeing the sex act being performed on every channel--a marked difference from when Bush was President and the Honeymooners was still in syndication and sex was something no one did because it was, like, soooo icky.

 "Sex? Yuck. Just the word itself makes my skin crawl. No homo."

But, hey, I'm not here to talk politics. We all know that the times we're living in may very well be the end-times--why belabor the point, right?

What I'm here to do today is offer my own sex tips for those of us who know how to have sex responsibly--namely, those of us having sex with people who have the opposite genitals from our own. When Obama-Claus took office, defeating first, McCain, and then, Romney, he also defeated a lot of dad-boners--so this is sort of my guide to bringing those boners back and making sex more enjoyable (not that it should be) between non-gay people.

Tip 1:

Cosmo has written extensively on the subject of how to please your man. But--hey, ladies, what about you? Shouldn't you be getting something out of sex, too? I think so--because you're a woman and women are champions.

So, here's my advice--a little move I call the David Copperfield.

 Pictured: Sexy


First, search whatever room you're in and give your man the closest thing resembling a handkerchief. Then, have him pull his penis out of the penis-hole in his jeans. From here, tell him to take the handkerchief and dangle it in front of his crotch-area like a matador enticing a bull. Except, in this case, the bull is your soon-to-be gushing vag. Make sure that he raises at least one eyebrow while doing this--this is key because, as we all know, a raised-eyebrow is the sexiest thing a person can do. Then, have him intermittently pull the handkerchief to the side of his crotch, revealing the fleshy turtle-head poking out of his jeans, while saying really sexy things like: "hocus pocus" and "peek-a-boo-it-sees-you," as these have been proven to make women very aroused.

Tip 2: 

'Nother one for the ladies:

Go outside, in your backyard, when no one--no neighbors or kids or neighborhood-kids--are around to see the ugliness of your naked bodies and make your man lay down under direct sunlight. Rub his doughy penis, like an Injun trying to start a fire with a stick, until his penis is hard and standing straight up.

Once this is complete, ask your man to ask you what time it is. When he asks you, be like: "I don't know. Let me check my SUNDIAL! HAHAHA." And then point at his erect penis casting a shadow on his stomach--or wherever it casts a shadow, depending on what time of day it is.

This is good because not only is it extremely sexy, it's also really, really funny. You'll probably laugh all day and well into the night about it.

 "Haha. And then she goes, "I don't know, let me check my SUNDIAL! Haha. Anyone got anymore wine? I'm starting to feel feelings again."

Additionally, if you really want to heat things up, make your man lay in a spot that you know is infested with chiggers. He'll be scratching himself like crazy and shouting things like: "It feels like Satan spit Louisiana Fire Sauce up my asshole!" and "For the love of God, make it stop!" and you can both laugh about that, too.

Tip 3: 

When you're having sex, take turns trading baby-names. Women have a natural maternal instinct, so they'll get really turned on by this.

Example:

Man: "Oh, I'm gonna put a Travis in you."

Woman: "Pssh. You couldn't even put a Kyle in me...not even if you tried!"

Man: (pumping more vigorously now) "Oh, is that right? Because...I...think....I...feel...a Vanessa...coming...." (strong blast of pre-cum) "Oh, wait. Here's her twin brother..(full load)...Victor!"

 When a woman seems detached during sex, you might suspect she's fantasizing about other men, but what she (and every woman) is really thinking about is this: a single, stock-image of a happy young mother and the human being that grew inside of her body for nine months like a melon-sized tumor and came out of her piss-flaps alongside a blast of afterbirth, shit and ripped-vagina blood. Ahh, birth....


So, there you go: 3 sex tips guaranteed to fix any relationship.

Times are tough and while these tips may not fix the debt crisis, they can fix the sex-crisis. So, try 'em out!

Friday, March 22, 2013

Friday...Feline-Day?

Hey, Breakfast-Eaters!

This week's Friday Find-Day finds us dodging anthropomorphized cats in the proto-psychedelic mind-gardens of Schizo-wunderkind and cleft-lipped weirdo Louis Wain.




Louis Wain was born in a time before Outsider Art was a "thing"--well before Henry Darger died alone and unappreciated and then they made that documentary about him and the Vivian Girls named their band after him--all of which, by the way, Darger probably would have appreciated more when he was alive and drawing little girls with penii in his one-room Chicago apartment.

But Darger is not who we're here to discuss on this very not-spring-like first Friday of spring. If Outsider Art can be plotted like events are plotted in the Bible (and the Western world at large), Louis Wain would be the Moses to Darger's Jesus--his sad, slow-descent-into-madness-filled story occurring B.D. (Before Darger). That's not to say he wasn't appreciated in his time. According to Wikipedia, H.G. Wells (the Time Machine dude) had this to say about Wain: 

"He has made the cat his own. He invented a cat style, a cat society, a whole cat world. English cats that do not look and live like Louis Wain cats are ashamed of themselves."

That's pretty high-praise coming from a high-profile author for someone known as "that guy who does weird cat pictures."

According to lore, Wain started out illustrating cats for his wife. They then became an obsession--until the cat renderings became more and more crazy-looking. Some say, it's clear from the paintings that Wain's mind had slowly deteriorated into madness and that he was schizophrenic, while others claim he had Ass-burger's. Either way, his output is pretty effing cool.

So, enjoy!

link to some of Wain's work

And, if you get a chance, go see the new Harmony Korine movie, Spring Breakers, starring James Franco as the Willem-Dafoe's-character-from-Wild-at-Heart (yeah, don't click that link unless you don't want to sleep tonight or ever again) version of Florida party-rapper Riff Raff

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Sober Sunday Reflections on the Useful Illusion of Human Freedom – Part I

“Consciousness is a much smaller part of our mental life than we are conscious of, because we cannot be conscious of what we are not conscious of...How simple that is to say; how difficult to appreciate! It is like asking a flashlight in a dark room to search around for something that does not have any light shining upon it...Consciousness can seem to pervade all mentality when it actually does not.”

Julian Jaynes (1976) 



Here's the Problem

Sartre said we are “condemned to be free.”




“It’s true. I said that.”



Maybe he was right, but after thinking about the naturalistic/psychological theories explored by Daniel Dennett and Daniel Wegner, it is better to say we are condemned to feel freer than we are.




“THAT’S better.”



One of the largest obstacles Dennett and Wegner’s theories of consciousness face is the uneasiness they can produce in people that are accustomed to thinking in conventional ways about their own choices and behavior. This uneasiness is a symptom of thinking in extremes and painting a threatening caricature of a theory, rather than trying to understand how new theories about consciousness can still hold on reality and not completely destroy a kind of freedom worth having. Granted, anxieties are understandable. Tensions exist between our traditional sense of self and the scientific worldviews humans have developed by observing nature. Consciousness is a frontier that Wegner and Dennett have started charting for the purpose of scientifically resolving the problem of human freedom in a deterministic universe. If we choose to follow them, and are met along the way with discoveries that surprise, scare, or even disappoint us, then our demands about the reality we want to be living in are unrealistic. (Good lord, you want your cake and you want to eat it, too?).




“But, reality is scary. And cake isn’t.”




Like landing on an unmapped island, we can expect to feel dissonance between the actual reality we face and the ripe content of our desires and imaginations. For this reason, it is vital that we trust our reliable instruments to help us find the connection between the dark islands and the rest of the known world. Whether the reality of consciousness turns out to be pleasant or well-received becomes a matter of taste, and what we discover becomes a fact to acknowledge regardless of how it treats emotional palates.



Before attacking the issue, it is important to understand the field of debate and its basic arguments. The problem of human freedom is summarized by drawing attention to the conflict between the deterministic laws observed in our universe and the distinct feeling of agency we have toward most of our actions. The logical conclusions derived from observing deterministic laws of nature can be used to formulate an argument like this:



 
The Problem of Human Freedom

             P1. All physical events are caused by previously occurring physical events. 
             P2. Every human action is a physical event.
             P3. Given P1 & P2, every human action is caused by previously occurring physical events.
             P4. If actions are caused by previously occurring physical events, they are not free.
             THEREFORE, human actions are not free.


 
P1 is well-established already. The laws of physics have a long history of reliably identifying physical causes that determine physical events. Skepticism may haunt every inference of causation, but it is reasonable to assume that all events have causes, apparent or subtle. Therefore, the assumption is safe, backed by common sense, Occam's razor, and centuries of scientific observation. So if P1 is true, the premise implies that it is rational to believe the physical world is deterministic.



The core problem of human freedom is introduced by P2-P4. P2 operates on the assumption that all human actions are physical events. The work of psychology, cognitive neuroscience, and evolutionary biology paints an increasingly physical picture of human action and behavior. Therefore, in an effort to remain consistent and steer clear of dualistic metaphysics, I take it for granted from here on that all events in the universe, including human actions, are only physical events. If this is the case, then P3 is true and human action is caused by prior physical causes.



The argument in P4 is known as incompatibilism, and claims that if an act was determined by previously occurring events, then the act could not have been otherwise. If an act could not have been otherwise, then it cannot be free, so acts that are determined by previously occurring events cannot be free. Incompatibilism implies that the freedom felt in human action does not align with the principles of determinism in the world. This line of thinking leads to theories that, in trying to establish a source of agent-caused free will, often find themselves wandering into the alluring dualism of the “Cartesian Theater.” This is because determinism appears to be a direct assault on the normal concept of human freedom, the idea that humans themselves are the cause of their own actions.



(Dennett coined “The Cartesian Theater” as a disparaging term for the dualist materialism that still remains in many modern materialistic theories of consciousness. Cartesian dualism implies that consciousness operates through the interaction of an immaterial soul with the material body…originally via the pineal gland of the brain.)





So now we have a serious dilemma. Our best reasoning tells us the world we inhabit and the processes responsible for everything in it (humans included) is deterministic, and yet we still feel like we are the ones causing our actions. How can this be?



What the incompatibilist dilemma assumes is that freedom cannot exist in a deterministic world. However, incompatibilism operates on a definition of freedom that is needlessly inflated. In fact, P4 should be amended to state that the kind of freedom many people expect themselves to have cannot exist in a deterministic world, but this does not rule out a kind of freedom worth having. This different version of freedom is more realistic and compatible with the forces of determinism and evolution. And it deserves an explanation.



 

How it Happened

 
The evolutionary theory of consciousness I want to talk about posits that consciousness is an ability evolved from the human knack for communication and cultural expression and is responsible for our sense of freedom. We experience this sense of freedom when our prior thoughts align themselves seamlessly with the actions we perceive ourselves making. What this implies, unsavory to some tastes, is that consciousness and freedom are not irreducibly separate faculties of the mind. Instead, they are integrated cognitive systems that serve an evolutionary purpose, and like any physical adaptation, they can be deceived. So the freedom we experience is an “illusion”; that is, something that appears a certain way without making its actual structure apparent. Both Dennett and Wegner provide arguments and evidence that propel a particular angle of this theory. In Dennett’s case for consciousness and freedom outlined in his book Freedom Evolves, the diverse facets of evolution hold most of the answers to the fundamental problems of free will. Wegner, on the other hand, looks to empirical studies on human psychology to shed more light on what consciousness actually is and why we experience it the way we do.



According to Dennett, freedom is an evolved concept that owes its nature to our shared beliefs about it (Dennett 9). Freedom is real in the same sense that other cultural ideas like “true love” or “good and evil” are real. They are involved and significant to the way we live our lives, present and dynamic in our folk psychology, but they do not exist as emergent, separate, and irreducible entities. In other words, they do not belong to some extra-physical realm (a la Descartes), and like many things still outside the current scope of human understanding, certain features of freedom and consciousness are often exaggerated.




“Look…I know I fucked up, OK?”




Dennett explains the evolution of freedom by tracing its origins back to the first stirrings of life on the planet. This approach avoids the kind of speciesism that obscures the actual history of consciousness as a phenomenon that evolved out of the species-neutral processes of early life. The kind of freedom discussed here is not exclusively human, nor was it ever “complete” at any one time we started noticing it. This fact helps shed more light on why people may not like this “ersatz” freedom that was not supernaturally bestowed upon them by gods or demons, but rather evolved through them and the basic structures that are shared by the simplest of organisms. Consciousness is not some celestially ordained human superpower. It is a growing, evolving capacity evinced at different levels by all living things in a system of natural selection. And it was here, in some form, from the beginning.



The Game of Life developed by John Horton Conway is a useful analogue for thinking about freedom evolving in a deterministic universe. This simulation offers a helpful perspective for understanding how the design steps leading to the freedom we observe today could have occurred without the repeated influence of a creator’s hand (Dennett 53). The game consists of an infinite grid that can be populated with any configuration of square cells. These cells can either be “on” or “off,” simulating the cell’s state of life or death. The cells interact with their eight vertical, horizontal, and diagonal neighbors by following four basic rules:





  1. If a cell has fewer than two living neighbors it dies, simulating the effects of isolation.
  2. If a cell has more than three living neighbors it also dies, simulating the effects of overpopulation in a resource limited environment.
  3. In accordance with rules 1 and 2, any living cell that has two or three living neighbors survives into the next round or “generation.”
  4. Lastly, any dead cell that has precisely three living neighbors becomes live again for the next round, simulating birth.



In its simplest forms, the Game of Life simulation is not particularly interesting. The basic constructions of squares appear to function in very limited ways when they are not forced to interact with one other in the same plane. However, when the complexity of the game increases, fascinating patterns begin to emerge. When multiple cell groups are introduced and are allowed to confront each other, the interactions become an apt model for how the evolution of life systems operates in early stages of development. Remarkable instances of self-replication can result, like the ones discovered by Conway’s theoretical version of the game that became a self-reproducing Turing Machine. Since the game’s invention in the 1970’s, computer programs were designed to effectively extend the simulation. But, the complexity required to generate a Turing Machine and other more computationally expensive arrangements still exceeds what is practical (according to Dennett, the screen displaying a Turing-enabled Life World would need to be approximately one kilometer across) (Dennett, 48). Interestingly, if the complexity needed for such an arrangement could be reached, the size ratio between the functioning whole of the game and the individual square “cells” would become similar to the size ratio of an actual organism to its constituent atoms (Dennett, 49). At these levels of design complexity, the Game of Life becomes all the more reminiscent of the natural world. Since the fuel of evolution is the very crowdedness of a particular environment (more confrontations yield more cases of change and mutation), the probability of spontaneous cases of design rises alongside the increased complexity of environmental conditions. The Game of Life is an informative theoretical analogy for thinking about evolution. It can be used to show how freedom, as a repeatedly re-designed function of cellular life, evolved from the basic avoidance structures of early organisms into the more robust cognitive systems we see operating today.



What this picture of human freedom shows us is nothing short of an unfathomably complex system of avoidance that has been billions of years in the making. So what accounts for the knee-jerk aversion to a freedom that was “blindly” designed by forces of evolution that follow complex but predictable rules? The answer is a lingering fear that leads people to perceive determinism as the ultimate threat to human agency. Both Dennett and Wegner have a ready response to this fear, claiming that even though consciousness and the freedom it affords us are experienced as illusions, this realization changes nothing about our cognitive abilities or our moral responsibility.



 

A Happy Determinism


Determinism can be seen as a problem for human freedom when it is understood to imply the inevitability of actions and events. The first step out of this quicksand is realizing that nothing about determinism necessitates the inevitability of actions and events. If the word “inevitable” really does mean “unavoidable,” as Dennett stresses, then the fact that evolution produces avoidance equipment in abundance exposes the blatant contradiction in claiming that determinism means inevitability (Dennett 58). There is nothing unavoidable in my being able to circumvent a menacing dog in the street. I have the ability (if I happened to be suicidal) to intentionally avoid my avoiding of the threat. However, this ability to avoid the dog (or override my impulse to do so) is still determined in every sense by the evolutionary processes responsible for my cognitive equipment. Because of this, the evolution of avoidance is key to distinguishing determinism from inevitability.




“Relax, buddy-bud, it's just a thought experiment.”




Dennett engages an important objection to this in Freedom Evolves that is worth mentioning. If avoidance is determined, how can it be authentic avoidance in the sense of being able to actually change the outcome of an impending event? This objection confuses what constitutes an impending event. This can happen when retrospectively examining a situation that has already occurred. When conceptualizing a sequence of events in memory, it is tempting to say that the outcome was going to happen but that it somehow changed causal paths. The reality is that whatever happened was determined to do so by the conditions in place when it transpired. What actually occurs becomes the actual outcome in both deterministic and indeterministic worlds. Furthermore, the only authentic avoidance is determined avoidance, since the only real avoidance systems that exist are determined by evolutionary processes. An indeterministic case of avoidance would look something like an act of god or an instance of magic, and it is fair to say that invoking these explanations indicates an obvious lack of important information about the event. Therefore, because the deterministic processes of evolution are the only reason we can avoid anything at all, determined avoidance is the only really authentic kind of avoidance.



Another worthwhile objection expresses contention about the role of chance in deterministic avoidance. Determinism, at the outset, seems to exclude chance.




“C'mon. If everything is determined, what is left to chance?”




Once again, this objection confuses the notion of deterministic chance that Dennett provides a way of thinking about. According to Dennett, chance does not need to be “causeless” in the sense that a chance event pops into being literally from nowhere. Furthermore, chance should not be considered excluded from determinism, because separating chance from determinism leads to the same kind of dualist thinking that we are trying to avoid in the first place. Chance can still exist in a deterministic world and follow all the rules of necessity, possibility, and causation that we commonly observe. A chance event can be thought of as something that occurs with causal connections that are either too complex or too minute to be scrutable. Take rolling dice for example. We normally consider a proper dice roll to be an indeterministic chance event. In fact, our wagers depend on its legitimate randomness. However, the outcome of the dice roll depends entirely on miniscule deterministic forces at work on it from the time the dice leave the dealer’s hand to the time they settle on the felt table of a casino. Variables like wind resistance, trajectory, tiny variations in the surface of the dice, and so forth into the vast complexity of the physical universe all stack up to determine the outcome. In other words, chance events are extremely sensitive to initial conditions. The whole point of chance, however, is that no one knows enough of this highly detailed information to make an accurate prediction. Therefore, events that occur with complex and practically untraceable variables take on the appearance of chaos. For all practical purposes chance is epistemically tamper-proof, and effectively as opaque as any indeterministic randomness. Physicists refer to this as deterministic chaos. This appearance, however, can be called an illusion when it leads us to infer indeterminacy where there is none. This kind of thinking may require a different understanding of the normal notion of chance, but it is necessary for accurately grasping the forces that determine the extent of our freedom, which is a function of our external and internal physical environments.



There are reasons beyond the tidiness of scientific uniformity to favor determinism over indeterminism. Imagine finding yourself in a violent lightning storm. A five-acre field stands between you and the shelter of your country home. Would you rather traverse this field knowing that a bolt of lightning could strike anywhere, anytime with no possible causal explanation? Or would you prefer a deterministic world where staying low, avoiding tall metallic objects and bodies of water would actually decrease your chances of being struck?



Maybe.


The deterministic world is the only world where effective avoidance is even possible. How can you avoid a completely chaotic and indeterministic event? Granted, lightning is for all practical purposes unpredictable in both deterministic and indeterministic worlds, but at least scientific knowledge is possible regarding the tendencies of the phenomenon in deterministic worlds, providing us with opportunities for genuine avoidance. Even full predictive knowledge of the phenomenon is theoretically possible in deterministic worlds, if only for a LaPlacian Demon (Dennett 28).




(LaPlace’s Demon refers to a thought experiment that originated in 1814 from Pierre-Simon LaPlace. Theoretically, if a being possesses complete information about the atomic and subatomic levels of reality in a deterministic universe, the being could explain and predict any past or future event with absolute precision.)



So there’s no cause for wonder why a world in which my head could explode for no reason at all would be less appealing than a world where rational explanations are prevalent and available. An indeterministic universe would leave us much more stranded for knowledge because it would keep us from knowing about the world. In the deterministic world we live in, our epistemic horizons are comparatively broader.



Yes it's true, indeterminism = Scanners.




Even more progress toward a “happy” determinism is made when it is understood that determinism does not imply fixed natures. It is natural to fear that determinism results in inability to change one’s character or lot in life, but nothing about determinism merits this anxiety. As Dennett points out, no contradiction exists in saying something can be determined to be mutable, unpredictable, or apparently chaotic (Dennett 90). Just because the laws governing the micro-events that determine our possibilities are largely outside our control does not mean we are without the capacity to influence the kind of people we become. It is all a matter of design. Human beings have evolved the ability to learn, improve, and change. Hence, we are determined to have an ability (evidently increasing) to change our natures and thus have some amount of influence over the outcomes in our futures. The actual extent of this freedom might not be quite what we are used to believing, but we’re better off avoiding delusions of grandeur. If freedom is a spectrum, humans are located somewhere on it, moving (it is hoped) in a direction of increase. The fact remains that determinism results in a future (not a nature) that can be, in principle, known and thus is fixed in some important sense. However, humans are not LaPlacian Demons. We live within soft epistemic boundaries that make it improbable enough to thoroughly predict our own futures, so we experience our prospects as subjectively open, which makes us feel free. If this produces the hollow feeling of something left to be wanted, then consider it a reality check.




“Take that, unreasonable expectations about life.”




Human beings have a natural tendency to overestimate their capacities. Our capacity for freedom is no exception. This impulse has traceable evolutionary benefits. Confidence and illusions of control bring social rewards (e.g. political power, successful mating, stronger social networks and support systems). But what accounts for this exaggeration, and is it necessarily wrong? What about the value of a conceptually flexible free will? A free will that is sensitive to our beliefs about it? In this case it really does matter what we think about free will, because (like concepts of “true love,” or “evil”) free will is entirely politically defined. This is one of Dennett’s ongoing concerns. Rather than only peering into the complex features of the physical universe to discover the secrets of some mysterious freedom, (as some versions of Libertarianism attempt to do), why not seek an explanation that is more socio-cultural than metaphysical? Does being free depend on our sense that we are in fact acting freely? Is it simply a shared belief (like the value of money) that could disappear off the face of the earth as soon as everyone ceased to give it credence? Could our sense of freedom collapse like a troubled economy? How free we are (or equivalently how free we think we are) depends on how the progressing ideas of human intention, agency, and responsibility evolve over time within human culture. And this ideological evolution is only a continuation of a vast biological system of adaptations that have been hard at work since the dawn of life on this planet.




In this new light, freedom becomes a concept-dependent cluster of cultural information that causes us to have specific beliefs about what we are and what we are capable of (Dennett 176). So it becomes obvious why people are disposed to overestimate their freedom: natural selection favors it. If this is the case, as Dennett puts it, freedom is no different than our other shared beliefs about things like love or money. It is a meme fighting for survival in the grand arena of contemporary ideas, and a concept applied to specific areas of our lives to serve a cultural function, be it justice, morality, self-esteem, or any of the practical benefits of believing we are free. So if freedom really is one massive shared illusion, the issue becomes profoundly psychological. Given the expanding scientific knowledge humans are gaining about themselves and the demystification of consciousness and self, the goal of securing for ourselves a kind of freedom worth wanting becomes a matter of making calm rational strides toward understanding what free will is, rather than allowing our imaginations to run wild in some quixotic swordfight with determinism.



The urges to battle determinism have resulted in several objections to Dennett’s naturalistic compatibilism. The objection he specifically engages in Freedom Evolves is the quantum indeterminacy theory of libertarianism.




 
Closing the Cartesian Theater





Libertarianism (the apolitical variety) is a popular philosophical movement searching for a defense of indeterminism and to establish moral responsibility in the form of final or ultimate human agency. In order to solve the compatibility problem of free will and determinism, this theory turns to the subatomic world to explain how spontaneous freedom may be possible. What this requires is a vast logical leap from the frontier discoveries of quantum physics to a scantly explained induction about the indeterminacy of macro level decision-making. The instance of the theory Dennett takes issue with was formulated by Robert Kane and proposes that a libertarian freedom is the only way for human beings to be the ultimate source of their decision-making and thus be authentic moral agents. The idea is that if human action were only a mechanical function of a deterministic universe, then moral responsibility would cease to be meaningful. The only way for an act to qualify as moral is for the causal chain of action to end at some nexus of what Kane has termed “Ultimate Responsibility” (Dennett 99).




In other words, people only deserve credit for compassionate or charitable acts if they are the ones doing them, and not merely subjects involved in the serendipitous steps of a massive causal continuum. Libertarians have developed extravagant ways to pin down a stopping point in the dangerously spiraling causal chain of human action. These attempts have resulted in dualisms that try to isolate some notion of the agent self from the surrounding causal chain. The problem with this line of reasoning is that it usually requires an extremely fancy explanation that becomes increasingly improbable with every embellishment, or it necessitates a mystical resignation, a “passing of the buck” to some other problematic entity or force. Kane’s version of the theory tries to more clearly formulate an argument for indeterminacy, but in the end it still delegates the explanatory tasks to the obscure concepts of quantum chaos. This results in a story of free will that is fraught with plot holes. He attempts to ground the indeterminism of human action in the internal conflict of desire and intention that occurs when someone deliberates over a decision. This “conflict of will” results in multiple intersecting feedback loops of moral feelings, ambitions, motives, and other mental input that generates a chaotic system from which a decision to act is selected and outputted. The fact that this chaos is still deterministic chaos is something Kane recognizes, so he proposes that the actual indeterminacy is introduced via chaotic ripples emanating from the subatomic structure of reality (Dennett 105).








According to Kane, the indeterminacy of our actions (not just the deterministic randomness associated with the conflict of will) comes from the quantum noise generated within the very physical structure of our active neurons. This bona-fide indeterminacy introduces a genuine chaos into our actions and allows the system to escape the causal confines of determinism. A problem with this that Dennett identifies is that it shouldn’t matter whether a system is deterministically random or genuinely indeterministic. They both accomplish the same result and there is no significant functional difference between them. In a practical sense, an indeterministic dice roll adds nothing over a deterministically random one (because remember, we are not LaPlacian Demons). So, quantum indeterminacy is a gourmet but pointless extra ingredient in human decision-making.



Another more important problem is that Kane never adequately shows how exactly a quantum fluctuation of physical matter contributes to the indeterminacy of our actions and gives us freedom and ultimate agency. Even if this indeterminacy breaks the normal causal chain involved in a human action by stopping the regress at some flash quantum event, how can this event be considered one’s own? There’s no clear reason to assume that this moment of quantum fluctuation belongs in any meaningful sense to an Ultimately Responsible agent, just because the event occurs within the practical reasoning structure of the brain (especially considering that the brain’s practical reasoning structure was developed by deterministic processes). What Kane is missing is a solid way for this quantum event to not just occur within us, but actually belong to us in a real identity-forming sense. Kane supposes that this quantum randomness enables people to experience legitimate “self-forming actions” (SFA’s) that contribute to a person’s character and decision-making behavior. However, as Dennett argues there’s no real way to discern a legitimate SFA from an illegitimate one, which means this indeterminism theory offers no better way to verify or quantify a person’s agency (Dennett 117). Given all of this, the question remains: why should we have any reason to consider indeterministic actions more our own than deterministic ones?




“Whatever, dude. You just don’t get it.”




Like extra margarine or artificial sweetener, Kane’s sickly sweet theory is something easily done without. The indeterminism that Kane relies on to propel his theory is unnecessary and superfluous. Even if this highly unlikely amplified quantum fluctuation does add an element of indeterminacy to our self-forming actions, what difference does it make? The fact that a vital distinction cannot be found, let alone a thorough scientific explanation of the quantum physics at work does not do much to recommend the quantum indeterminacy theory.








This is especially the case given that more coherent explanations are available in the more clearly defined features of deterministic macro-events. Kane’s theory amounts to a muddy dualism. It uses a mysterious phenomenon to explain another mysterious phenomenon, and why rely on conjecture about the subatomic world we still understand so little about to explain consciousness? Using underdeveloped quantum theory to explain philosophical problems like free will and agency is precarious, because it leads to absurd conclusion-jumping. The supposed "quantum fluctuation" of Ultimate Responsibility is highly susceptible to exaggeration, because it is so glamorously newfangled. As Dennett says, something that can explain everything is in danger of being able to explain nothing. The perception or experience of human agency is a macroscopic phenomenon that can be understood in terms of deterministic processes without indulging in the extravagance of quantum indeterminacy. The theories of Dennett and Wegner help define this emerging picture of consciousness and make progress toward a more scientifically coherent view of freedom and the self.



Ladies and gentleman, it is now safe to exit the Cartesian Theater.







(Thanks for sticking around, and stay tuned for Part 2 of this article, which will be posted next Sunday.)

Friday, March 15, 2013

Friday Find-Day...Back-trackin' with Affleck Edition




Happy Friday Find-Day, My Breakfast-Table Brethren!

Today's Friday Find-Day Find comes from a somewhat unlikely source.

In the past year or so, Ben Affleck has re-established himself as a respected figure in H-town, with movies like Argo and that other one where the guys where masks and rob a bank. But, before that, he was one half of Beniffer. And, before that, he was Kevin Smith's go-to guy for generic slacker-guy roles with just a goatee to distinguish his characters from one mealy-mouth Kevin Smith movie to the next. Somewhere in between that and the Beniffer period, he also co-wrote Good Will Hunting with his good pal Matt Damon, who starred in the titular role as "Good Will," a reluctant genius who pouts and throws tantrums about being so goddam smart and stuff--all of this scored to the wrist-slashing good-vibe tunes of Eliot Smith.

But before all of this, Ben Affleck was an aspiring filmmaker.

I recently had the good fortune of coming across his first film, entitled (no joke): I Killed My Lesbian Wife, Hung Her on a Meat Hook, and Now I Have a Three-Picture Deal at Disney. I normally don't care one way or the other about Ben Affleck, but I was perusing my new favorite sub-reddit r/obscuremedia, and when I came across the title, figured it merited its own Friday Find-Day post.

 "Daddy, what's a meat hook?"

Below is a link to part 1 of Ben Affleck's directorial debut, made in 1993, followed by a link to r/obscuremedia and another new favorite subreddit of mine: r/CultCinema, where, after 3 years of looking everywhere on the Internet for it, I finally found a Youtube link to Werner Herzog's 1977 weirdness, Stroszek, a film notable not only for its somewhat infamous non-sequiter ending, involving a chicken blues-struttin' to a porch-stompin' harmonica-riff as part of a coin-operated attraction, but also (according to legend) being the last film Ian Curtis of Joy Division watched before killing himself.

So, here they are:

Ben Affleck's First Big-Boy Film

Cult Film Archive

Obscure Media


If you're a fan of hard-to-find arthouse schlock, I highly encourage you to check out these 2 sub-reddits, as horribly-named as they are.

And for any horror fans out there, there's this subreddit: r/truehorror, where I was able to locate the 1975 made-for-TV movie, Trilogy of Terror, starring Karen Black and featuring this scene, which is apparently one of the scariest in all horror-film history. 


Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Fake Reviews For Fake People...The Hardwick Chronicles




It's been a long time since his tenure as the penis-haircutted host of MTV's Singled Out, but in recent years, obnoxiously self-proclaiming self-proclaimed nerd, Chris Hardwick has resurfaced with a successful podcast and as the non-penis-haircutted host of AMC's the Talking Dead, a show which focuses on all the totally nerdy things nerds who watch AMC's original nerd-series the Walking Dead like to nerd-out about--like zombies and how much liking zombies totally makes them nerds! But on top of all these projects, Hardwick also has a new movie coming out--one which attempts to prove what no one has ever cared enough to contest: whether or not Chris Hardwick is a nerd.

In Chris Hardwick's new documentary, The Hardwick Chronicles, shot by and starring himself as the film's sole subject, Chris Hardwick runs through a laundry-list of reasons and set-up nerd-scenarios trying to prove that he is a nerd. The film never makes it clear who exactly Hardwick is trying to prove his nerd-status to--but that's part of the mystery and, ultimately, what makes the documentary--and all films that I don't understand--so compelling--because if I don't get a film, it must be smart.

Mostly, the film resembles the type of video paranoid baby-boomer dads shoot for insurance purposes, with Hardwick going through his apartment and proudly showing off each and every one of his totally nerdy possessions, as if, at any moment, a fire might rip through the apartment and burn away all physical evidence of Chris Hardwick's uncontested (because nobody cares) nerdiness--the pre-Episode I Star Wars figurines; the 500 piece S.S. Enterprise replica puzzle-model; the mail-order light-saber with a note of authenticity ink-stamped by George Lucas's double-chin; and so on.

"I wanted an R2-D2, but I settled for a Droid. Right, guys? Nerd-humor."

The film opens with Hardwick on the couch watching a Star Wars spin-off cartoon on his X-Box-synced HD TV. There is a camera on him--which can be seen in a painfully obvious mirror reflection in the background. The camera is resting on a tripod, with no one behind it (indicating that Hardwick set the shot up himself)--while Hardwick pretends that he doesn't know he is being filmed. "Oh," Hardwick says, grabbing the remote. "I didn't see you there." He pauses the movie and casually runs his hand through his hair, resting his arm in front of the camera longer than necessary to display the Night of the Living Dead tattoo on his forearm. "Heh. I was just watching this Star Wars spin-off series for, like, the millionth time. Whatever. I'm a nerd."

And that--"I'm a nerd"--is pretty much the film's central refrain.

Scenes abound of Hardwick setting up faux-awkward shots in which the camera (which he's clearly set up himself) catches him in the act of doing this or that Hot Topic-approved nerd activity: watching anime, talking like a pirate, walking through the house like a zombie, muttering "brains!", et. al., followed by Hardwick frump-mugging at the camera and saying: "Man. I am such  a nerd!"

In one scene, Hardwick is playing Dungeons & Dragons with his nerd-friends, who may or may not have been hired to play Hardwick's nerd-friends for the movie. He looks around the table, from one mouth-breathing nerd to the next, then looks up at the camera, at the same time dangling a near-empty brick of Mountain Dew Game Fuel at his side. "Boy--look at us! Here we are, playin' D&D. Slammin' the Game Fuel. We're such nerds!" There is a strain in his voice as he says this, looking once again around the table, hoping someone will parrot back the sentiment or at least cough up a pity-grunt to acknowledge that they heard what he said. "Right, guys??" Hardwick tries again, and you can almost see the desperation coming out in beads of Game Fuel sweat on his forehead. Finally, one of Hardwick's friends asks: "Are you ok, man?" as Hardwick nervously titters before cutting to the next scene.

 "It's not enough to lie to people and tell them I dream in zombies the way first-year Spanish students sometimes dream in Spanish. I have to take these ready-made Tumblr shots of me holding up Pi--because when people see Pi they know I'm for real."


In spite of the film being Hardwick's unwatchable attempt at advertising his nerdiness via talking about things real-life nerds do sometimes but don't feel compelled to advertise, I will say that the film succeeds, whether it intends to or not, at demonstrating the lengths one man will go to prove something nobody cares about. I can say with full Internet-authority that I have not seen a more accurate, close-to-life, portrayal of real-life nerdiness since my grandma recommended the Big Bang Theory to me on Facebook--and you know those guys are for real because all the plug-and-chug sitcom jokes end in punchlines about comic books and science!


 


Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Lazy Man's Notepad Movie Reviews: "Klown"





A big part of the movie-watching experience for me is not just the movie itself, as an objective piece of art/cinema/whatever, but my reaction to the movie, as well--which manifests itself in a number of forms--most commonly, though, through the running commentary-track in my mind, in which I make notes to myself regarding dialogue, plot, references, etc.or take Mystery Science Theater-style pop-shots at what's happening on-screen. Sometimes, when I'm with friends, I am able to voice selections from this running commentary track, which, in its own sick, sad and pathetic way, makes me fee like I'm exorcising the shit-demons festering in my movie-watching sub-conscious. However, my friends aren't always around when I watch movies, so a lot of the time, what I notice goes, tragically (because what I have to say about movies is super-important in the grand scheme of everything), unshared or undocumented--or, I'll pick one thing that really sticks out to me about the movie I'm watching and text a friend who more often than not won't respond because, understandably, they have better things to do than respond to my pop-culture obsessed bullshit.

Last night, however, because I've been saddled with the task of "taking it easy" after a grueling all-day stay at the ER, I decided to watch a movie on Netflix--but unlike past movie-watching adventures and because I was all alone watching this movie, with no one around to trade commentary, I decided to document all my observations about the movie on an already-open Notepad document, thus saving my friends the burden of sifting through a novel's worth of 7 pg. texts relating to my highly-specific movie-watching experience ("Hey, bud. Want to hear all my bullshit musings about this movie I'm watching that you're not?").

I like this method--of posting stray observations and musings--for several reasons. A.) Because it saves me the trouble of reconfiguring them into one, coherent movie review. B.) Because it allows me to say everything I want to about the movie and my experience with the movie, without having to sacrifice anything to fit the movie review mold. And, finally, C.) it forces me to pay closer attention to the movie, even if that means pausing it every few minutes or so to record my observations--which is sort of a lazier version of what I was taught to do (and what most legitimate a.k.a. "professional" movie critics do anyway) in my film theory class in college.

The movie I watched is called Klown, a 2010 Danish film that is apparently based on a successful Danish sitcom. Going into this, I did not know that it was A.) Danish or B.) based on a sitcom. The only thing I knew about it was that I added it to the Netflix instant queue two months ago after reading a review of it on the AV Club's website, which I do pretty often, thinking: one day, I'll get around to watching all of these movies. At the time I added it, I remember reading something in the AV Club's review--and seeing the trailer--which made me excited about the movie. I'm too lazy to find the original article, but I'm sure going back to it, I'd be able to pick out the exact phrase that piqued my interest and made me add the film to the instant queue.

I only say this because, as you can see from my notes, at several points I wonder if this film is Danish or if it hails from some other Northern European country. To make the note-taking/movie-watching experience more exciting for me (and because I feel like shit after my ER visit--i.e. too lazy to do anything beyond watch a movie and take notes, which, in itself, is kind of hard to do in my current state), I forced myself not to (though, the urge was strong) open up any other tabs so I can do my typical Internet movie-research as I'm watching a movie and ruining it for myself at the same time by doing Internet movie-research. A lot of what I jotted down pertained to things I wanted to look up later--but a lot of it was me making notes of what the film reminded me of, in terms of style, plot and tone.

As you can see, I was "right" about a lot of things. According to Wikipedia, a lot of critics have mentioned the the Hangover and Curb Your Enthusiasm influence, which I also mention in my notes. And, if I can be self-congratulating for a moment, the Wikipedia page also mentions that the movie might be remade in America with the Hangover director Todd Phillips as a possible director, which mirrors what I say at the 22 minute-mark: "When this movie gets re-made in America, Zach Galifianakis will play the 12 year-old boy and it will be called the Hangover 4." So, pat on my back!

Anyway, without further adieu...I give you the Lazy-Man's Movie Review Or: My Notes While Watching Klown:

(Note: As you can see, when I'm writing down notes or jotting down ideas on my laptop, I rarely use correct punctuation or grammar because I have my own highly-idiosyncratic form of grammar that accommodates my note-taking laziness.

Also: I went back and added links to all the things I mention but which I forbid myself from looking up, so that, without the links, they sound vague as fuck). 



Notes: Klown:


-title sequence is an homage to that one guy from the 40's who did title sequences just like it. i forget his name, but he was american and, like, the king trend-setter for title sequence art in cinema. my guess, this super-hip retro shoutout has little-to-nothing to do with the movie and more to do with impressing pop-culture ruined hipsters like me.


-i said it before when i found out about this movie, but dude looks like the danish version of toby huss (aka artie: "the strongest man...(greek muscleman flex)...in the world!" from Pete and Pete).

-10 minutes: dude just woke up after a low-key Fitgeraldian spring gala to find a frumpy-looking kid eating biscuits in the kitchen.

danish toby huss: what are you doing here?
kid: you're babysitting me.

toby huss scratches his ass, confused, before walking out of the room.

the night before, toby huss and his girlfriend were talking about her being pregnant and his non-readiness to become a father.

please, God, don't let this be the danish arthouse version of Big Daddy...

-fifteen minute-mark: one dude at a book club looks like dude-who-isn't-lars-von-trier from The Five Obstructions

-is this movie even danish? where did that idea come from? the actors sound danish--but how the fuck would i know the difference between danish and swedish or any other language that people who look like Nazi-engineered ABBA-bots speak?

-this guy's house is big and empty-looking and all the walls are white. was this a conscious character-reflecting decision by the director; laziness on the production team's part; or something overlooked, maybe realized later and dismissed as important? i'm really not a stickler when it comes to details like these in movies, but white walls bother me like nails on a chalkboard.

-18 minute-mark: abbot and costello-style gag involving masturbation--specifically, toby huss masturbating on someone's face, who he thinks is someone else. built on a weak premise (toby huss's friends tell him women like it when you give them a pearl necklace--i.e. masturbating onto and around their neck), but still kind of funny--mainly becaue of who the mystery person is (not the kid as i was thinking, but someone almost equally wrong [is there a right person?] to masturbate on).

-20 minutes: this is like a cologne-ad version of Curb Your Enthusiasm starring a bunch of underwear models and their hot wives. are these people supposed to look normal? because they don't, even by actor standards. i've always heard that northern european people are pretty but, judging by this movie, their 5's look like our 8-10's.

20 min.: in the land of danes, even the ugly people are pretty

22 min: toby huss is preparing to embark on a canoe trip with his friend, who looks like the armani model version of david lynch. cue the 90's disney-movie catch: they've been saddled with the 12 year-old who toby huss woke up to eating biscuits in his kitchen. i think i see where this is going and it kind of reminds me, loosely, and more in tone, of the hangover: guys looking for a boys-night-out excursion only to have their plans derailed by the one person--in this case, the 12 year old boy--who makes it hard for them to do all the sinful things they don't want their wives to find out about. when this movie gets re-made in america, zach galifianakis will play the 12 year-old boy and will be called the hangover 4.

25 min: "man-flirting" i can't tell if i'm sick of this style of men-can-be-effiminate humor ("bromances", etc.) or i like it because--yeah, i think it's ok for men to relax their Hemingway complexes a little bit and be human. i agree with what they're saying, but i don't think it's funny. i guess.

30: toby huss and david lynch are getting settled in at the campsite. toby huss wants to spend time with the kid, so he can prove to his girlfriend that he's daddy material. meanwhile, david lynch wants to chase high school poon, which is why he's asked to set up camp next to where a group of high school girls on a class field trip is staying.

toby huss: blah blah blah i want to be a daddy blah blah
david lynch: but i want to fuck these high school girls
toby huss: all you think about is pussy

in addition to being so many other sleeper-hit american comedies, this movie is also the danish Sideways

35: after night-one on this little trip, david lynch just came canoeing back to the campsite, nude, screaming at toby huss and the little kid that they need to get away as quick as possible, revealing, in between throwing shit around and packing up the canoe, that he tried to bone one of the high school girls and now the male leader and some of the high school boys on the trip are after him. so, pretty much: the exact same scene as that one in Sideways when paul pig vomit giamatti wakes up in the hotel room to his friend, telling him in a panicked frenzy, that he's just boned a spoken-for waitress and her husband wanted to kill him. in both cases, the two "pussy-hounds" ran home naked, pleading with their pushover friends to help them out of a sex-related jam.

40-50 min.: just occurred to me, it would make sense if that one dude from the book club scene is the dude from the five obstructions, barring my theory that this film is danish is right, since the five obstructions is danish and i think the-guy-who-isn't-lars-von-trier is danish, too. what other language would lars von trier be speaking to him in?


So, there it is: my notes while watching Klown. You'll notice that they stop abruptly at the "40-50" minute mark but that's only because, being as worn-out as I am (did I mention, in my totally not-baiting-for-sympathy way, that I was in the ER this weekend?), I soon got tired of constantly having to pause the film and record my thoughts. Plus, at that point, I could kind of tell where the film was going and I didn't think there was anything else I needed to say.

I encourage anyone who's up for it to watch the film--or any other film--and, literally, compare their notes with mine. In a way, it will be like we watched the movie together!

Depending on what kind of feedback I get from Jim Jim the Trashcan Man, I might make this a regular Breakfast feature. It sure as hell beats taking the time to do a proper movie review. 

EDIT: I just looked it up and the Dude From the Five Obstructions, though Danish, is not in this movie.