Before Saddam Hussein Obama-Bin Laden, it was illegal to show actual human babies on TV--babies being too inextricably linked to sex in the minds of the American viewer. So, instead we used plastic preemie-dolls, as evidenced by this still from Bush 9/11 glory-days era sitcom, I Love Lucy.
See, before NO-bama-care, sex was something not even mommies and daddies talked about--they just gave each other meaningful winks at the dinner table when either one felt the urge to make another baby, at which point, they would round up and wrangle all their kids and set them in front of the TV, then go to the bedroom, where they would push their beds (the mommy bed and the daddy bed) together, thus transforming (a la Transformers) the two beds into a single, baby-making unit. Before this of course, they turned on Fox News (which is what most daddies need to get erections) and pumped away to the hate-jive of Bill O'Reilly, seductively running down a list of GOP-headquarters-approved talking points and buzz-words (nothing gets mommy's quim sopping quite like the phrase "the road to Greece").
But that all changed when, for reasons I can't explain, our country elected a half-black-muslim-atheist-satanic-socialist-Nazi as President. Suddenly, sex was everywhere. The things mommies and daddies and non-gays did behind closed doors and never talked about ever were suddenly being flippantly discussed on LGBT-produced shows like Will and Grace. You couldn't (and still can't to this day) turn on a TV without seeing the sex act being performed on every channel--a marked difference from when Bush was President and the Honeymooners was still in syndication and sex was something no one did because it was, like, soooo icky.
"Sex? Yuck. Just the word itself makes my skin crawl. No homo."
But, hey, I'm not here to talk politics. We all know that the times we're living in may very well be the end-times--why belabor the point, right?
What I'm here to do today is offer my own sex tips for those of us who know how to have sex responsibly--namely, those of us having sex with people who have the opposite genitals from our own. When Obama-Claus took office, defeating first, McCain, and then, Romney, he also defeated a lot of dad-boners--so this is sort of my guide to bringing those boners back and making sex more enjoyable (not that it should be) between non-gay people.
Tip 1:
Cosmo has written extensively on the subject of how to please your man. But--hey, ladies, what about you? Shouldn't you be getting something out of sex, too? I think so--because you're a woman and women are champions.
So, here's my advice--a little move I call the David Copperfield.
Pictured: Sexy
First, search whatever room you're in and give your man the closest thing resembling a handkerchief. Then, have him pull his penis out of the penis-hole in his jeans. From here, tell him to take the handkerchief and dangle it in front of his crotch-area like a matador enticing a bull. Except, in this case, the bull is your soon-to-be gushing vag. Make sure that he raises at least one eyebrow while doing this--this is key because, as we all know, a raised-eyebrow is the sexiest thing a person can do. Then, have him intermittently pull the handkerchief to the side of his crotch, revealing the fleshy turtle-head poking out of his jeans, while saying really sexy things like: "hocus pocus" and "peek-a-boo-it-sees-you," as these have been proven to make women very aroused.
Tip 2:
'Nother one for the ladies:
Go outside, in your backyard, when no one--no neighbors or kids or neighborhood-kids--are around to see the ugliness of your naked bodies and make your man lay down under direct sunlight. Rub his doughy penis, like an Injun trying to start a fire with a stick, until his penis is hard and standing straight up.
Once this is complete, ask your man to ask you what time it is. When he asks you, be like: "I don't know. Let me check my SUNDIAL! HAHAHA." And then point at his erect penis casting a shadow on his stomach--or wherever it casts a shadow, depending on what time of day it is.
This is good because not only is it extremely sexy, it's also really, really funny. You'll probably laugh all day and well into the night about it.
"Haha. And then she goes, "I don't know, let me check my SUNDIAL! Haha. Anyone got anymore wine? I'm starting to feel feelings again."
Additionally, if you really want to heat things up, make your man lay in a spot that you know is infested with chiggers. He'll be scratching himself like crazy and shouting things like: "It feels like Satan spit Louisiana Fire Sauce up my asshole!" and "For the love of God, make it stop!" and you can both laugh about that, too.
Tip 3:
When you're having sex, take turns trading baby-names. Women have a natural maternal instinct, so they'll get really turned on by this.
Example:
Man: "Oh, I'm gonna put a Travis in you."
Woman: "Pssh. You couldn't even put a Kyle in me...not even if you tried!"
Man: (pumping more vigorously now) "Oh, is that right? Because...I...think....I...feel...a Vanessa...coming...." (strong blast of pre-cum) "Oh, wait. Here's her twin brother..(full load)...Victor!"
When a woman seems detached during sex, you might suspect she's fantasizing about other men, but what she (and every woman) is really thinking about is this: a single, stock-image of a happy young mother and the human being that grew inside of her body for nine months like a melon-sized tumor and came out of her piss-flaps alongside a blast of afterbirth, shit and ripped-vagina blood. Ahh, birth....
So, there you go: 3 sex tips guaranteed to fix any relationship.
Times are tough and while these tips may not fix the debt crisis, they can fix the sex-crisis. So, try 'em out!
Hahahaha!
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